no. 21: keyboard to google doc

updates, again; raw, unedited, pen to paper

hello hello friends,

i return to you at an eerily similar point in my life from when i first met you. i am writing about my current mental/physical/spiritual state, the crossroads i’m facing, and my journey to healing, because i am feeling stuck on the creative post i’d like to write, but am too distracted by my personal life to focus on.

so i guess we can start with some updates while i try to explain how every year in my life has the same lessons, and how once again, march is my least favorite month.

a few months ago, i started working at a restaurant. if you’ve been keeping up, it’s the same one from my poorly written blakeoftoday copycat post from over a year ago. it’s a nice break from my past life of desk jobs and books and computers. i started this job to make some money and stay busy as i waited to hear back from phd programs.

around the time i started that job, a familiar face was inaugurated for a second term, and he followed through on some concepts of a plan. so, an already arduous application process was made more uncertain, and whatever slim chances i had, became nonexistent. in other words, i didn’t get into any of the programs i applied to. from february to march, i received a slow death march of emails, set to the star wars imperial theme, informing me of updates to my application.

i’m being dramatic, but there was a point when r/gradadmissions and gradcafe became staples in my social media rotation. it was a time of constant anxiety and dread. i think worse than the rejections though, was the anticipation. from thanksgiving weekend to the first week of march, i was in limbo, thinking i couldn’t plan or enjoy anything until i had answers from these institutions. for a while, i was letting them control my mental state.

for now, i can breathe. i spent a week or two grieving the version of myself i planned to be next year, but remembered who i am right now isn’t half bad, either. there’s a little part of me that will be envious of all the people i know who are my age and have achieved so many wonderful things and have their own spaces and lives, and i am so impatient to have that for myself. but as i keep telling myself, everyone has their own timelines and the things they don’t talk about, and i cannot expect my life, with my own unique circumstances, to be just like anyone else’s.

it’s just like knitting in that way, the comparison envy i get from people creating so many beautiful projects so quickly, when it takes me months to make headway on something of my own. but also in the joy and satisfaction of my achievements, knowing the mental struggles and creative blocks and switchbacks i took on the road to a finished object.

now, i’m free from whatever hold those schools had on me, and when i plan for my next move, i’ll be firm about not letting anyone — no person, no place, no institution — have that strong of a grip over my headspace.

i am truly loving my life right now, and how it’s been for the past year. i am enjoying my new job, where i get to people watch and improve my small talk, power through dinner rushes and spaghetti specials. i have red hair again, i’m knitting another sweater, reading books and meticulously organizing my goodreads shelves, watching x-files and falling in love with fbi agents who only have themselves against the world. i’m still learning what it means to be a participant in life and in my community, not just letting it happen to me. i’m filling my cup in all the ways that do not have to do with the Big, Scary Future.

it does not stop me from thinking about it, though. i would like to apply again next year. i would like to remain undeterred. i would like to stay at my restaurant job and evade the 9to5 shackles for another year, but i wonder if that’s just the escapism talking. i’m at a crossroads — do i refocus my energy to applying again, gaining experience and putting myself out there to potentially face rejection again, having put my life on hold for another year, or do i start applying to jobs i’m qualified for that will give me the financial security and independence i’ve been craving. if i start job hunting again, that’s closing off the path to the phd. and if i want to dive back into the application/gaining experience process, would i be setting myself up for another “wasted” year, when i don’t even know the first place to restart?

i’m back at ground zero, just like i was when i got my bachelor’s degree, gave up on the writing dream, and was only getting my master’s because it was something to do. i don’t want to give up on another dream, not when i’ve compromised with myself so much for the sake of being pragmatic. especially not when this was supposed to be the achievable, realistic, but still meaningful and fulfilling goal. i don’t want to compromise again, because it feels like the more i compromise with myself, the more lies i tell myself to get through the day (or the year), the less of myself i become. i don’t want to look in the mirror and see the shadow of a person who used to be there.

i want to take control and have full autonomy, and i want it now. i so desperately want to be the person who is so sharp and calculating that everything goes my way. but maybe this year is about teaching me to trust the process — be patient, consistent, and to show up wherever i’m needed. the first step is to start with myself, and maybe to finish the piece about parasocial relationships with dead rockstars :)

with love and optimism,

sophia <3